I am surprised to log back in after so long and see that I have two faithful readers still, checking in to see if I’ve given any word. To you I give a big thanks.
The year has been hectic and busy, full of opportunities and changes. Mostly business but some personal that has both accelerated and some slowed my progression.
This blog wasn’t the only thing that was ignored while I toiled away at various jobs and my business. Pulling order to the chaos that is my schedule. I ignored some people very dear to me, I had little time to be there for someone who needed me. I can not change this but it only fuels my drive more.
In May I lost my ex-boyfriend. We weren’t together at the time, on and off again for five years. I tried to stand by him during his addictions and falls but when it started to be physically dangerous for me I had to take many steps back and come around him less often. I didn’t want to abandon him all together because I couldn’t give up on him and knew he needed me.
As time went on I felt he was trying less and I focused more on myself and my business. Playing catch up from time spent watching over him. Every moment worth it. Eventually though I told him I was giving up on him ever getting better. I thought I had lost faith in his promises at a good life for us. So I told him off for wasting my time and said my goodbye.
Eight day’s later on Memorial morning, or perhaps the late hours of the night before he over dosed on Morphine and I buried him (literally) the end of that week. I stayed behind to watch them lower him into the ground and sent one of the diggers home early as I took his shovel to heave in piles of dirt over his tomb.
The least I could do for all he had done for me. Though stability wasn’t his thing due to the nature of the lifestyle he lead, uncannily he was always there when I really needed him. With his loving arms and eyes or his pocket book to save me from financial ruin. He helped me in so many ways and in the end taught me a life lesson that I needed. Even in death he lent me help, though losing him was hardly worth it. Had I learned that lesson sooner, maybe he would still be here… but there is his addiction to factor in.
Perhaps I should have stayed next to him instead of withdrawing and using myself as a reward for his sobriety… I’ve always been hard on those I love and choose to ruthlessly motivate rather than needlessly reward.
Now that he’s gone I can see in so many way’s how I kept him close to me while we were apart, even in my business.
He was my biggest fan. Listening to him swoon about me and my work was embarrassing (in a good way) and elating. I miss the way he looked at me, the smile in his eyes and the love that exuded from every facial expression and the tenderness of which he held me.
I am disappointed I wasn’t there for him more, that I couldn’t be stronger to guide him through and I wish he were still with me today. Its very true we don’t know what we have until it’s gone.
To view vines from my time at his place of death, and the place he grew up view my Meeshi Sense twitter feed. Late May posts.
Outside his vices he was a brilliant guy. He had interests in horticulture / earth science as well as technical fields like engineering. He used to read one page from the dictionary every morning and try to use as many words from that page before he went to bed. He was a dedicated and hard worker, always beloved by his crew and appreciated for his work ethic.
He was a talented artist who never settled long enough to really work on his natural skills. You could tell though as he doodled on the back of menu’s and in notebooks that he found peace in the lines he created on paper.
He drew a million hearts with flowers featuring a ribbon that said “I love you” Or “Samantha” on them, leaving them for me everywhere. I am thankful to have a few still laying around.
He could sell you water while you were drowning. He could make you feel like you were being saved with his smile even though you were dying.
He was kind, caring, and loving to all those who were important to him. He would have made a great father and husband if he could have loved himself as much as he loved others.
He is missed dearly by many people, still having a hard time coping months later.
Spend time with those you care and love, try and be supportive of those around you… you never know who might be suffering. It might not be as easy to spot as it was in my case. Take care of those you love, let them know that you care and don’t miss a single moment with them.
Now I am charged with new energy ready to attack new business plans. A zest for success driven by the loss of someone I could have spent more time with. A thirst to make him proud, wherever he is, if only a fragmented memory echoing in my mind. Every day I manage to keep positive I can feel him smiling, whether that’s just a movie I’m playing in my head for myself as a reward, it’s powerful and motivating.
Thankfully the day after his funeral I was confronted with an exciting new project that I have already executed and am in the editing stages.
Stay tuned for less saddening entries with more up beat subjects of beautiful fashion creations by local artist.